Who writes them? Not me. Well, not those, anyway

This Austin (Minn.? Really?) Daily Herald writer has a good point: There are a ton of shitty greeting card writers who, unfortunately, are polluting your local card buying spot with their attempts at wit and insight.

"You would think an industry that can somehow get a greeting card to play music — the Star Wars Theme, the Chicken Dance — could figure out a way to write cards for brothers buying them for their sisters."

Too bad he didn't venture outside of the shoe box. Often the fun comes in working to make a card's "defined" intention meet your purpose.

Always frequent your happy place

One of my favorite card stores in the world is in the Shadyside neighborhood of Pittsburgh: Kards Unlimited. I got to go there this weekend while visiting my alma mater for a few days of nerdy bacchanalia (but that is another story for another social media medium.)

If you are like me and live in a greeting card wasteland populated only by a (crappy) American Greetings store in the mall, a single aisle at (several thousand) CVS locations and a teeny, tiny Papyrus (full of dull Papyrus cards) -- a store like Kards Unlimited is an oasis. Loads of crowded racks showcasing beautiful (Flying Elephant), pretty (you send me), snarky (uncooked, selfish kitty) and dirty-funny (ripe, mikright) cards of all shapes and sizes. I'm not even going to go on about the temporary food tattoos, zombie stuff and funky cookbooks, but I want to. Badly.

If you have one of these independent gems in your neighborhood -- shop there. Kards Unlimited has been around for more than 40 years and was busy on the Saturday afternoon that I stopped in looking for a "recover soon from your stab wounds and remember not to chase your muggers next time" card (I actually found one) -- but it needs two things to thrive: you and me.

We all feel the pinch

Hallmark Cards this week said it plans to cut 8% of its workforce -- which could result in up to 750 jobs lost. CEO Donald Hall Jr. is keeping a stiff upper lip about the whole thing, but let's be honest -- no one is immune.

That new Peep smell

I once dated somone who lived about a 1/2 mile from the Just Born candy factory in Bethlehem, Pa. He turned into a bit of a stalker, but for a few weeks I did get to experience the joy that is driving around Bethlehem on an early spring day -- the sweet smell of newborn Peeps lingering in the air.

Thankfully you don't have to go out with an emotionally unstable young man to smell the marshmallow candies any time you desire. Just Born has licensed the Peeps brand (and flavors) to be used for a frightening array of products including key rings, stuffed animals, popcorn, candles, figurines and other fine china (tell me if you plan to register for Peep china for your wedding and I don't care who you are, I'll buy you some salad plates) as well as SCENTED greeting cards. Mmm -- Easterlicious.

John Potter, do not make me come and kick your ass

Bottom line: Mail is down 12% and the USPS could be out of money by the end of the year.

“The Postal Service, which has served America for 234 years, is experiencing a very serious financial crisis because of the downturn in the economy,” John Potter, head of the U.S. Postal Service, told lawmakers. He went on to say the losses, in the billions of dollars, are of "historic proportions."

So what does he do? He asks to cut a day of service. Five days a week of mail, people. This could really happen!

Mail delivery is one of the cornerstones of this nation. Even in post-apocalyptic times, there will be mail. Didn't anyone see "The Postman"? (I know it was a terrible movie, please don't miss the point here.) I'll bet even those children in rags got their New Yorkers on time. And their VISA bills. And the sweet, sweet ValPak.

It is time for another bailout. This is bigger than AIG. And the banks. And whatever other madness TARP is covering (unless it's petting zoos. That is completely valid). The mail. We must save the mail. Who is with me?

Recession Part 2: The power of an "unexpected gesture" (and music choice)

Hallmark's new ad campaign is called "A Card. It's the Biggest Little Thing You Can Do." Featuring music by John Mayer. And 99 cent cards. Umm, I love the idea ("returning to basics, reaching out and letting people know they're loved and appreciated or just to say thanks"), but it also freaks me the hell out.

A few boxes over the garage

Mom asked me to go through "a few boxes" (8) of my stuff from junior high and high school while I was back in Maine this weekend. She is packing up the house in anticipation of a move -- a sad thought for me, but an important new start for her.

While she looked ahead, I got to dive into the past. Not surprisingly, it's full of letters from a world without easy e-mail access, when long distance calls still cost something and text messages & IM didn't exist. I have boxes of postcards, birthday cards, notes passed in class and scraps of paper stuffed into envelopes. Scrawled script on legal pad yellow, beautiful monogrammed linen and even sandpaper (a boyfriend who wrote to me during breaks at his construction job) . Some were from people I had met for a few hours (a 14-year-old Canadian that I had apparently met on the beach while I was visiting my grandparents in Florida) and others were from people I still write to today (my dear friend Jessamy, who has been writing me without fail for more than 20 years -- including when we lived less than an hour apart).

Several "High Fidelity" moments: Poetry from the boy who inspired me to go to CMU. Song lyrics from one of many musician loves. About 20 one-page notes from a wrestler who struggled to keep how he felt about me from his family... and mine ... for a year (he made up a new name for each return address). Advice on love, sex and college life to come. Admissions of anger, guilt, fear and longing. There was a short story in every few inches of time.

More than a few made me want to set them aside to try to find their writers. Where were they now, after so much time?Did they have my letters in return ... and what did they say?

So, keep your letters. You may think they are just taking up space today, or you may fear that someone else will read them and not understand who you were when you received them. But if you are lucky enough to have someone write to you, it captures a moment in your life and becomes a part of your personal history. One that you probably weren't even conscious that you were building. But you'll be happy you have them one day, sitting on the basement floor of a packed-up home, surrounded by boxes -- a glass of wine in hand. Trust me on that.

Ugly babies need love too

I'm not a Mom (yet), so I can say it -- some people have ugly kids. Not any of my friends, of course. But they are out there. And they apparently sell. OK, not UGLY wee ones -- but scowly ones. And messy ones. Or ones making faces. Oh hell, just kids. Kids sell. And Hallmarks knows it. And they know that parents want to crow about them -- so they've finally found a way to let them have their day.

But it goes beyond children. Last year, Hallmark -- which before now only used in-house staff for designing its thousands of cards each year -- launched Greeting Card Competition.

"You're creative. You've got talent. And passion. We LOVE that. So, by golly, you deserve a spot to submit your brilliant card concepts. Card competition, anyone?"

People are encouraged to submit their ideas & personal pics for use in funny cards, parenting cards, bloopers -- all with the chance to be made into a real greeting card and win prizes (such as cash and money for a favorite charity). I think it's a smart corporate move that connects with the card-buying public, sources new ideas in a time of creative cut-backs and creates a charitable write-off channel. Complete with a blog and Facebook page.

Right now if you go to hallmarkcontest.com you can vote on the Mother's & Father's Day finalists. OK ... some of them are cute. By golly, indeed.

Faith in the Vernal Equinox

Had an idea for a thank you card as I was walked home tonight from the train to my house.

Thanks ...
Your several weeks of silence have made it much easier for me to stop obsessing over you.

Doodler, any idea how we can illustrate this one?

After 4 days of amazing weather around D.C., it was nice to enjoy the last threads of warmth as they began to mix with the cooler breeze that tomorrow will bring March back to reality. Warm days allow me to sleep with open windows, run outside and shed my mental cobwebs. Note to the spider walking along my ceiling when I woke up today: Don't come back soon.

Next week officially marks the beginning of spring. It has been a particularly long winter -- crazy cold, storms, economic turmoil, friends out of work, struggle and some heart hiccups. But the green is there. Grass, Leprauchauns, grape vines and crocus leaves. Right around the corner. And they're ready to warm you up again.

Same old address

One of the cool things about living in America is that with enough notice, the most powerful leader in the free world will send you a card for a milestone birthday or anniversary.

I think we should do this when people turn 18 as well. I can't think of a better way to be reminded to get your ass out to vote than to receive a note from an elected official saying "Welcome to responsibility." Love who is representing you? Work to keep him/her. Hate them? Do something about it.

Give the gift of sweet hallucinations

Birthdays. They happen. Every year, in fact. Right now, no one has any money. That has not, however, dampened most people's insatiable appetite for recognition. And gifts. Especially on their day.

So, when you care enough to go beyond posting "Happy Birthday" on someone's Facebook wall and when just another "Many Happy Returns" $2 Happy Hour beer won't do -- consider giving one of Pep's' inaugural birthday cards. It's more than a fun shade of green. It goes well beyond the colorful hat. It's like a free hit of acid that will never show up on a drug test. With the added delight of a yummy cupcake recipe.

BONUS: For a limited time, buy a 5-pack (or hell, buy an individual card) and the scribbler will personally call the recipient and sing "Happy Birthday" over the phone. The scribbler has a lovely singing voice, if not a bit loud. She cannot, however, guarantee that she will be sober when said call is placed. But that makes it all the more fun. Surprise!

Sympathy cards can be sent to Kansas City

"Hallmark Magazine" has died. The March-April issue will be its last. At least 500 subscribers are going to be really unhappy when their subscription turns into "ESPN: The Magazine" come May.

To be honest, I'm not sure how this magazine differed from "Martha Stewart Living". I could swear that they were exactly the same book. Recipes. Crafts. Kids. Completely geared toward women. And I did see it a few times. Picked it up. Flipped through it. It's been around for three years, after all. But it was a magazine branded by a greeting card giant. What brilliant person wrote the business plan that got this project greenlighted? I need their help selling my social media strategy. If you subscribed to this, seriously -- tell me why?

No. 2 by the numbers, No. 1 in your heart

Not surprisingly, a survey found that average spending for this year's VTD would drop more than 13% from last year's total, but still top $14 billion.

• Some 63% of the group plan to celebrate Valentine's Day.
  
• The most romantic age bracket: 18- to 24-year-olds, 74% of whom will spend some of their discretionary income on items like flowers, jewelry and candy.
  
• The 25- to 34-year-old set will sink the most dollars per valentine, $160 on average.

A majority of folks say they plan to exchange greeting cards -- estimated to be about 190 million total -- making it the No. 2 holiday behind Christmas for exchanging cards. Why, you may ask, then does PEP Greetings NOT have a VTD card this year? We're working on it. It may be a little late for this year, but we like to think of it as early for 2010. Thank you cards come first, and they are only a day or two from being made public. New recipe. Beautiful art. Whimsy. Humor.

What more could a card buyer want? Other than a card in return. Always.

The Great American Thank-You Card

Darby Conley either has a soft spot, or a vendetta.



Earlier this year: Beating card.

Porn mail

I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but e-cards are not always to be trusted. If "a friend" sends you a virtual card, and it makes it past your spam filter, that "friend" should be smart enough to identify themselves. And you, despite being excited at the prospect of an animated monkey blowing out birthday candles, should be smart enough to treat the e-card with suspicion. The most recent concern: American Greetings and other card companies are working with federal authorities to ferret out who/what is sending e-greetings that redirect unsuspecting readers ... TO PORN SITES.

"The best way to make sure you're opening a legitimate card is to:

Type the card company's URL into your browser. Do not click on the link. Do not cut and paste the linked address into your browser.

Type the card code from the e-mail into the search engine on the legitimate Web page. If the e-mail was legitimate, your card should appear."

Of course, this may be a good excuse for people who get nabbed while surfing for skin at work: Hallmark made me do it.

What would Cliff Clavin do?

I know that we could break this down, run some numbers, get a consultant or 200 in to figure out the grave inefficiencies in the system (D.C. Main Penn. Ave branch, I am looking at you) and avoid what the Postmaster General proposed could be a scenario to save money if something doesn't change soon.

We're talking about the possibility, albeit remote and temporary, of one less day of MAIL, people.

If faced with the nation reducing its delivery days, Cliffy would lose it. Unacceptable. Unfathomable. The mail is the one thing that runs on time (or relatively so), come hurricane or flood or other national disaster. It reaches every tiny township in America. And mailmen (and women) are completely dedicated to the service they have become inscribed to -- a badge of honor. They're not just serving residents, they're serving their country in those dreamy postal blues.

Cliff: I've the best safety record in the branch, Coach. Never even been near an accident.
Paul : Not since you were born.
Cliff: Was that comment addressed to me, Paul?
Paul: Oh, no Cliff. If it were addressed to anybody, it'd probably get lost in the mail.
Cliff: If I wasn't wearing this uniform, I'd ask you to step outside.
Norm: If you weren't wearing that uniform, we'd all step outside.

* Props to my home state's Sen. Susan M. Collins saying she was "very disappointed" at the possibility of changing to five-day delivery. Regardless of political party, we Mainers do not like to go without our mail. Not everyone is online and many don't have phones. Or a TV, much less cable. But everyone, even on the islands, has a mailbox.

And the lows more frequent

Order of St. Nick has combined dire economic times with Valentine's Day to come up with a New Depression-era love extravaganza.

"One card shows a Dust Bowl farmer and his wife cooking a pot of slop in an open kettle. Its caption reads: "William took Martha out to eat for Valentine's Day." Another shows a bunch of down-and-out guys in fedoras loitering outside of an automat. "Box of chocolates?" exhorts the caption. "She'll be lucky to get a box of rocks from me this year.'

"If Hallmark came out with this, it would be in poor taste," (owner Andrew) Shaffer admits. "But people need to laugh in tough times. As long as it's approached with humor, even the Great Depression works.""

The Iowa City-based card company also has a line of Nietzsche Valentine's Day cards that would suit the sense of humor that a lot of boys I know have about this time of year. My favorite:

Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

As if Valentine's Day wasn't bad enough

"A new worm has been detected by PandaLabs which is using Valentine's Day to spread itself through email greeting cards. The network security company is calling it a new variant of the Waledec Storm worm ... The Waledac.C worm spreads by sending a fake Valentine's Day greeting card using email. The recipient then clicks on a link to download the fake card which downloads the Waledec Storm worm."

The piece goes on to explain that Valentine's Day is one of the biggest days of the year for hackers to spread viruses. For someone who is expecting something lovely and sweet in their inbox, this is a huge pain in the ass. And for someone who isn't -- it's downright cruel.

"To make matters worse, the e-card entices the user to click on a row of hearts or roses by stating, 'Guess, which one is for you?'"

So, this VTD, don't open e-mails from strangers claiming to be sending you e-love. Clearly, it's not safe. Protect yourself. Wait for something in your true mailbox. It takes longer to get there, but usually it's worth it.

We're blushing

BUST -- a 15-year-old national magazine that is "fierce, funny, and proud to be female" had some sweet things to say about us and our "Get Toasty" card in a recent blog post:

"This little card from PEP Greetings is too adorable, and so are the ladies behind it."

It's true! We ARE adorable. And easily flattered.

Finally taking down those holiday cards?

I know you have them. Stuck to your fridge. All around the door jam. In that special display holder on your kitchen counter that someone gave you last year. Or, if you're like me, they are all over the kitchen counter and littering your dresser tops.

But now it's time to say goodbye to the holidays. Box up the ornaments, the garland and the menorah. Bring in the lights. But those cards -- handwritten greetings from family and friends. Glitter. Stars. Smiling reindeer. Peppermint-laced martini glasses. Warm blues, greens and reds. Are they destined for the trash? Can they all fit in another stack of shoeboxes (or in my case, Kate Spade boxes)?

St. Jude’s Ranch for Children, an organization that cares for abused, abandoned and neglected children, hopes not.

"Over thirty years ago, wishing to show our donors appreciation for making St. Jude’s Ranch for Children possible, the idea was conceived for turning the previous year’s Christmas cards into "new" cards for the coming season. The recipients were so delighted with their unique "thank you," they requested the children sell them the special cards... since then, the Program expanded to include all occasion greeting cards… the children participate in making the new recycled cards by removing the front and attaching a new back made with recycled paper. The new card is a beautiful, “green” card made by the children and volunteers. We are accepting used, all-occasion greeting cards thru February 28, 2009. Mail your donations to:

St. Jude's Ranch for Children
Card Recycling Program
100 St. Jude's Street
Boulder City, NV 89005"

You can also order their recycled cards online. I would encourage it -- as long as you consider ordering some of ours too.

And I hope you realize that if you still have your tree up, it's a major fire hazard. You can recycle that too. Just let it go.