Give the gift of sweet hallucinations

Birthdays. They happen. Every year, in fact. Right now, no one has any money. That has not, however, dampened most people's insatiable appetite for recognition. And gifts. Especially on their day.

So, when you care enough to go beyond posting "Happy Birthday" on someone's Facebook wall and when just another "Many Happy Returns" $2 Happy Hour beer won't do -- consider giving one of Pep's' inaugural birthday cards. It's more than a fun shade of green. It goes well beyond the colorful hat. It's like a free hit of acid that will never show up on a drug test. With the added delight of a yummy cupcake recipe.

BONUS: For a limited time, buy a 5-pack (or hell, buy an individual card) and the scribbler will personally call the recipient and sing "Happy Birthday" over the phone. The scribbler has a lovely singing voice, if not a bit loud. She cannot, however, guarantee that she will be sober when said call is placed. But that makes it all the more fun. Surprise!

Sympathy cards can be sent to Kansas City

"Hallmark Magazine" has died. The March-April issue will be its last. At least 500 subscribers are going to be really unhappy when their subscription turns into "ESPN: The Magazine" come May.

To be honest, I'm not sure how this magazine differed from "Martha Stewart Living". I could swear that they were exactly the same book. Recipes. Crafts. Kids. Completely geared toward women. And I did see it a few times. Picked it up. Flipped through it. It's been around for three years, after all. But it was a magazine branded by a greeting card giant. What brilliant person wrote the business plan that got this project greenlighted? I need their help selling my social media strategy. If you subscribed to this, seriously -- tell me why?

No. 2 by the numbers, No. 1 in your heart

Not surprisingly, a survey found that average spending for this year's VTD would drop more than 13% from last year's total, but still top $14 billion.

• Some 63% of the group plan to celebrate Valentine's Day.
  
• The most romantic age bracket: 18- to 24-year-olds, 74% of whom will spend some of their discretionary income on items like flowers, jewelry and candy.
  
• The 25- to 34-year-old set will sink the most dollars per valentine, $160 on average.

A majority of folks say they plan to exchange greeting cards -- estimated to be about 190 million total -- making it the No. 2 holiday behind Christmas for exchanging cards. Why, you may ask, then does PEP Greetings NOT have a VTD card this year? We're working on it. It may be a little late for this year, but we like to think of it as early for 2010. Thank you cards come first, and they are only a day or two from being made public. New recipe. Beautiful art. Whimsy. Humor.

What more could a card buyer want? Other than a card in return. Always.

The Great American Thank-You Card

Darby Conley either has a soft spot, or a vendetta.



Earlier this year: Beating card.

Porn mail

I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but e-cards are not always to be trusted. If "a friend" sends you a virtual card, and it makes it past your spam filter, that "friend" should be smart enough to identify themselves. And you, despite being excited at the prospect of an animated monkey blowing out birthday candles, should be smart enough to treat the e-card with suspicion. The most recent concern: American Greetings and other card companies are working with federal authorities to ferret out who/what is sending e-greetings that redirect unsuspecting readers ... TO PORN SITES.

"The best way to make sure you're opening a legitimate card is to:

Type the card company's URL into your browser. Do not click on the link. Do not cut and paste the linked address into your browser.

Type the card code from the e-mail into the search engine on the legitimate Web page. If the e-mail was legitimate, your card should appear."

Of course, this may be a good excuse for people who get nabbed while surfing for skin at work: Hallmark made me do it.

What would Cliff Clavin do?

I know that we could break this down, run some numbers, get a consultant or 200 in to figure out the grave inefficiencies in the system (D.C. Main Penn. Ave branch, I am looking at you) and avoid what the Postmaster General proposed could be a scenario to save money if something doesn't change soon.

We're talking about the possibility, albeit remote and temporary, of one less day of MAIL, people.

If faced with the nation reducing its delivery days, Cliffy would lose it. Unacceptable. Unfathomable. The mail is the one thing that runs on time (or relatively so), come hurricane or flood or other national disaster. It reaches every tiny township in America. And mailmen (and women) are completely dedicated to the service they have become inscribed to -- a badge of honor. They're not just serving residents, they're serving their country in those dreamy postal blues.

Cliff: I've the best safety record in the branch, Coach. Never even been near an accident.
Paul : Not since you were born.
Cliff: Was that comment addressed to me, Paul?
Paul: Oh, no Cliff. If it were addressed to anybody, it'd probably get lost in the mail.
Cliff: If I wasn't wearing this uniform, I'd ask you to step outside.
Norm: If you weren't wearing that uniform, we'd all step outside.

* Props to my home state's Sen. Susan M. Collins saying she was "very disappointed" at the possibility of changing to five-day delivery. Regardless of political party, we Mainers do not like to go without our mail. Not everyone is online and many don't have phones. Or a TV, much less cable. But everyone, even on the islands, has a mailbox.

And the lows more frequent

Order of St. Nick has combined dire economic times with Valentine's Day to come up with a New Depression-era love extravaganza.

"One card shows a Dust Bowl farmer and his wife cooking a pot of slop in an open kettle. Its caption reads: "William took Martha out to eat for Valentine's Day." Another shows a bunch of down-and-out guys in fedoras loitering outside of an automat. "Box of chocolates?" exhorts the caption. "She'll be lucky to get a box of rocks from me this year.'

"If Hallmark came out with this, it would be in poor taste," (owner Andrew) Shaffer admits. "But people need to laugh in tough times. As long as it's approached with humor, even the Great Depression works.""

The Iowa City-based card company also has a line of Nietzsche Valentine's Day cards that would suit the sense of humor that a lot of boys I know have about this time of year. My favorite:

Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.